Shallow, materialistic, know-nothing, sheep-like morons. Burn!

*WARNING HERE COMES A RANT*

Why is America the way it is?

Why are so many people so fucking stupid?

Why do “credentials” out-weight hard work, or actual intelligence?

Why does it cost a fucking fortune to get any sort of education past your local community college? France educates their peers for free. Isn’t America the most powerful nation on the planet? Couldn’t we afford to educate the masses, which in turn would make more jobs. You know, the kind of thing which sparks a limping economy, you bunch of galloping buttcakes? Oh, I forgot, FOX say’s France is a bunch of cowards because they don’t support our pointless war. We’re not supposed to like France. Fuck you France! Back to the 300 dollar economic stimulus package. How pathetic.

Why does pitiful social status mean anything, and why does how much money someone makes make a difference? Men settle for a woman based on looks alone, like fucking idiotic dogs and women settle for men with the nicest car and heaviest checking account, like pieces of gerbil feces.

Why do people accept what FOX and CNN feed them, knowing that half of the truth(or more) is shunned away? Why is there “Liberal” and “Conservative” networks? Why can’t political journalists and reporters be unbiased? Why do they have to let their piece of shit emotions play a part in “honest” news relayed to the entire nation? You fucking yellow toenail clippings.

Barack Obama and John McCain are our choices after eight years of George W. Bush? Are you damn kidding me? We pick a War mongering bag of cat litter(McCain) in the midst of American’s most pointless war, and a fiscally disastrous Liberal scumbag(Obama) in the midst of our worst recession America’s seen since the Great Depression? Nice shit.

Why are so many people such serious “work horses” who mean nothing but business? Why don’t you jackasses stop taking yourself so seriously, smile, and stop giving a flying piece of neck vomit what people think of you? Fuck your image, nobody really cares pissfoot. Maybe try enjoying your family for once? How about that, fuck needle? Anyone who puffs their chest out and gets a twinkle in their eyes when they talk about their employment needs to have a fucking drink.

I’m tired of materialistic people, completely. I’m tired of hearing these jackass rappers talk about how big their rims are, or how expensive their pendant was. Whoever gives a shit about that kind of nonsense should just do the history of man-kind a favor and off themselves, FAST.

I’m tired of drug dealers being glorified and the blue collar construction worker or truck driver getting looked at as a piece of forgettable dog shit drying in the corner of some random veterinarian boarding kennel.

I’m tired of celebrities being put on some kind of god-like pedestal. They’re just fucking people, you bunch of tiresome aluminum cans full of Burger King vat grease. Why are grown men begging for baseball player’s autographs, like giddy little children? How pathetic. Why do women put famous men as their laptop screen shots, then cry like little babies when they see these people in person? Why don’t you bunch of shallow pieces of leprosy flakes dig a little bit deeper than that? Keep putting posters on your wall and keep masturbating about these people who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, you nonsensical bunch of intellectual slackers.

I’m weird because I read and because I don’t like to go out every Saturday night with a circle of people who talk shit about each other, as soon as one gets up to go to the fucking bathroom. I hate the norm. People think I think the world is against me, or that I’m angry. You’re wrong, bitch clappers, because I find humor in this pathetic bullshit. And I don’t think the world is against me. I think that the world is a big, humorous stage, and the biggest piece of shit stage is America.

As a side note, I’m not a Liberal, I’m not anti-America and I’m as far from a hippie as you can get. I’m proud of the Libertarian/Conservative Republic, NOT democracy, that was founded by our founding father’s. They had great ideas and great values. It’s these post-Reagan pieces of elitist, globalist sheep piss that have destroyed whatever is left of our original values and sovereignty.

No, I’m not a fucking conspiracy theorist because I realize that our government, and many governments around the world lie to us. Or because I don’t like the way things are going lately. Everyone who questions the neo-conservative bullshit movement at this point is labeled a kooky conspiracy theorist. How pathetic.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of getting called a “hater” every time I don’t like a good-looking male celebrity. If I don’t like someone, it has nothing to do with their looks or the amount of green pieces of monopoly paper they have access to in America’s fucked-over, butt fucked banking systems. You calling me a hater just shows how much of a shallow piece of shit you actually are.

Why do guido’s exist? Jesus, you motherfuckers are worse than wiggers and emo’s. Yeah, real manly men you are. Continue to wax your asses, pluck your eyebrows, sit in tanning beds and wear overly-tight clothes, you bunch of careening closet homosexuals. And fuck you for ruining spiked hair. I used to wear spiked hair until you pieces of cat shit came along.

Facebook and Myspace both suck.

Fuck off, fuck off very much.

Lake George Camping Trip: Night O’ the Fucking Crow! Twilight Zone Material

Okay, so a yearly Camping trip to Lake George, New York has become a god damn tradition for my two younger brother’s and my father. My grandparent’s have a camper up there(but they’re usually there so we use tents), my Aunt and Uncle have a camper up there(I barely know them at all) and my other Aunt, Uncle and cousins live up there. It’s cool, it’s fun, it’s simple it’s relaxing. But sometimes, in the middle of the Adirondacks, you have those nights. Campgrounds or not, this place is in the middle of fuck no goddamn where.

First night I was there, I went into the Village of Lake George and got shit-faced with my cousin and his friends. It was a relatively boring night of me getting way too drunk and acting like a complete and total jackass, prick, moron, idiot, loser. You know, the types of nights which lead to you waking up the following morning wondering what in feces happened? They’re a rarity for me at this point, but I guess that night I was just a goofy moron making a fool of myself and not hurting anyone else at all. Good shit.

The night following the shit-faced-in-Lake-George-Village night, I was back at the Campgrounds. I was back to the wilderness, back to the very dark nights, back to the tent. I was sharing this tent(sleeps 7) with my father and younger(middle) brother. And let me fuckin tell you jackasses, things got very annoying and very interesting.

1.) I had just fallen to sleep. I sleep on my stomach with my ear to the mattress. So there, I was sleeping on my stomach with my ear to the tent floor, which is right on the ground. I had just fallen asleep when my youngest brother and his friend strolled back from wherever the hell they were walking after the Campground’s curfew of 11ish. They bumped flat-fuck into the tent and woke me the cock up. I was pissed off.

2.) I fell back asleep(maybe for 5 minutes) when these two jackasses decide to play some weird goddamn card game in the tent. One of the rules is that whenever you win(I don’t know how the fuck you win), you have to slap the card. Well, those cards were on their tent floor, which is basically the ground. I was sleeping again, in my tent, 5 feet away, on my stomach, with my ear on the tent floor(also the ground). So these two goddamn jackasses and their slapping fuck card game woke me right back up. I was even more pissed off.

3.) The previous night(shit-faced-in-Lake-George-village-night), my father had left bread in the fucking tent. While they were sleeping, some kind of stinking-ass animal had chewed a hole through the goddamn tent and dragged the son of bitch bread through the hole like the little asshole it was. Well, the second night, which is the one I’m discussing right now, there was still the hole in the tent and still crumbs left in and around the hole from the previous piece of shit night.

After falling back asleep when my brother and his friend finished their jackass card slapping game, something else wakes me right the fuck back up. I hear something consistently brushing around the tent walls. I grab the flashlight, shine it towards the crumby hole and see a piece of shit, jackass Racoon sticking his head through the flap eating the crumbs. I kick towards him, yell, and  fall back asleep. It must’ve been out of exhaustion at this point.

4.) I wake up again! I hear something outside. It sounds like something being dragged through leaves. I get pissed off, grab the flashlight, stumble out of the tent and see the goddamn jackass Racoon dragging a white plastic bag filled with something around the campsite. I chase the son of  bitch around for about 5 minutes before it finally gave up on the bag. In the fucking bag, MORE BREAD. My father forgot to put the fucking bread in a tupperware container or in my Grandparent’s bread-safe camper! Christ. I climb back into the piece a’ shit tent, get in my sleeping bag and fall back asleep. At this point, I’m dumbfounded.  It’s just past 3am.

5.) 4:33AM: some idiot decides to rip dick through the entire campgrounds on his dirt bike, just to be an annoying piece of cow piss. It was loud, it woke me and just about everyone else in the campgrounds up. If I would’ve been able to get my hands on that piece of sewage, I swear to fuck, I would have killed him. Instead, I turned the flashlight on, picked my book up for a few minutes and read until I fell backasleep.

6.) 5:50 AM: A very sickening noise rips through the crisp, early-morning air of the Adirondacks. It sounds like a cancerous frog trying to scare off an elephant from pure noise alone. It was a crow. I know crows have a crazy-sounding caw! caw! caw! but I have never heard anything like this in my 24 years of worthless existence. It sounded like it was perched right atop out tent . It wasn’t a caw! caw! caw! this crow was making…..it was a: RAAACH! RAAAACH! RAAAACH! RACH! RACH! RACH! RACH!

It wakes me up, and wakes me up for good…

I guess it had woken my father up too, because as soon as he heard me rustling around, he rolled over, looked me in the eye and spoke in a voice which sounded like he had just gargled razor blades marinated in gasoline: “That Crow needs to be shot”. That was the icing on the cake of my twilight zone night. I wasn’t annoyed about the crow anymore. I was wondering how in Elvis’ name my father had turned into a bloodshot-eyed corpse with a razor blade voice over night.

I woke up, got out of the tent, sat at my grandparent’s camper and waited until my grandmother woke up to make coffee. There was no way in hell I was getting back in the tent with the corpse version of my father, bleeding from his eye balls, and sounding like he had just gargled thumbtacks, while inhaling cigars and drinking whiskey.

I don’t wish that night upon anyone. Not even Dr. Phil.

A busy intersection on a hill with no red light. What morons

In my city, about five blocks away from me, there is a four-way intersection. It is a busy, busy intersection with really small streets. It is the intersection of Market Street and Main Street. It’s a dirty piss intersection that nobody really feels like dealing with, but you cannot avoid the piece of shit.

Trying to get off of Market Street and onto main street, is like trying to shit a bowling ball. Trying to get from Main Street onto Market Street, is like trying to dig a hole in the cement with a fucking garden shovel. It’s complete and total chaos, an accident waiting to happen.

There’s a simple solution to this cluster-fucking-fuck of an intersection: a red light. That’s it. A red light.

Do you know why my piece of worthless cock of a town won’t put a red light there? Because Main Street’s on a hill and they don’t want people to slide down in the rain. Nice shit, right? Isn’t there an entire city built on hills in this country? A major city? A city on the west coast. What’s it called?…….San Fransisco! That’s right. San Fucking Fransisco! An entire major fucking city built on a hill. I wonder if THEY use red lights? Do you think their city legislature is scared to put red lights up, because people might slide during a thunderstorm, you goddamn galloping crotch rots?

I keep calling Town Hall, requesting to speak to whomever it was that had this jackass idea, but they keep refusing to connect me. Oh, how I’d like to tie these idiot politician’s up and throw turtle shit at their foreheads. What a bunch of toilet water-drinking, ball sack skin exfoliates.

Why am I trying to get my Masters? There is a couple running a multi-million-dollar company cleaning up dog shit

I was in the military, I’m attempting to get my Masters, I’m well-educated, I’ve ran a recording studio, I have worked hard enough in my life–and for what? To be buried up to my scrotum in student loans and predatory credit fucking cards. That’s what. To be almost nowhere, no-matter how many dues I’ve paid and how hard I’ve tried. That pisses me off enough, regardless, and then I read an article on AOL.com a few weeks ago, that just dumbfounded the crotch outta me.

It’s a couple who started a home-ran business….cleaning up dog shit. Yes, DOG SHIT. They mustered up the disgustingly brilliant idea to run a company doing what nobody else wants to do. And why not? Wouldn’t you rather make millions of dollars a year cleaning up dog shit, rather than make $40,000 per year working under a bunch of people, constantly listening to the shit that comes out of their mouths?

From pre school all the way through high school and into college, you go to school for basically one thing: Eventually make a decent amount of money. So what’s the point to all of this, if you can just make millions of dollars per year scooping up animal shit? Why am I wasting my fuck time? Why? This makes me want to rip my throat out and slap it off the pavement, while tap-dancing, barefoot, on a nest full of scorpions. Someone shoot me in my ear with a nail gun, for piss’ sakes.

Anyway, here is the brilliant shit-cleaners website: Doody Calls isn’t that cute? Yeah, I wasn’t lying. These dog shit cleaners do exist, God bless ‘em. I’m struggling to get my Masters only to read about a couple who makes millions of dollars per year cleaning up pet feces. Amazing

Congrats to this couple though, you are both brilliant. I wish I would’ve “thunk” it.

Golds Gym morons

Hello ladies and gentlemen, it’s me again.

Listen, I’m a gym goer. I used to attend Planet Fitness, until I out-grew their paper weights and got tired of not being able to wear bandannas to their diarrhea-soft, non-cussing, non-grunting, over-crowded, understaffed, tiny, butt stench establishment. I literally went to the one Planet Assness that was all over the news–you know, where that stocky Italian dude, here in New York, was escorted out by the cops for grunting. Yes, they kicked him out, because he grunted. Waaaah, waaaah, waaaaah, don’t grunt. It scares the bony little dickheads, and the fat, miserable, self-conscious whiners away. Jesus Christ, how soft is modern day America going to get? Will people please get some guts?

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this: I got rid of my Planet Softness membership and switched to the over-priced Golds Gym. There is more equipment, you can wear whatever the piss you want, you can curse, and you can (GASP!) grunt if you’re trying to throw some heavy “iron” up. But this leads to a new breed of pieces of shit: Mutants

Yes, Golds Gym breeds performance-enhancing, needle in the butt, drug-abusing mutants. And these aren’t friendly mutants who mind their own business. These are lopsided, jackass, moron, idiot, fool mutants who feel the need to purposely work out directly across from, or next to, the skinniest guy in the free weights/pully area. They don’t only work out as close as possible to these poor, self-conscious, skinny bastards, but they also feel the need to hiss and scream.

I don’t mind a little grunting, or a heavy breath when you’re trying to get weights up, but screeching and hissing? That is NOT! FUCKING! GRUNTING! They scream loud enough to shake the walls, for Elvis’ sake. They hiss like 1,000 vipers getting their collective snake penis ripped out with a scalding hot pair of tweezers.

The idiot-ass mutant grunts go something like this: RAAAH! PAAAAH! BOOOOOUSCHE! BLAAAAAGH! RAAAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOF! BOOOOOOOf BAAAAACH!

While the shit-throwing hisses go something like this: WSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPSSSSSSSSSSWSHHHHHHHHH! WSSSSSSHHHWSSSSSSSSSST!

Do these steroid-abusing, HGH-loving mutants not realize how pitifully stupid they look and sound? Jesus, what a bunch of puddles of turkey piss.

And a word of warning to those who might consider signing up for Golds Gym: The Mutants gather on Sunday mornings.

Between the Mutants, cocky, annoying personal trainers, always-missing attachments for the pulley machines and the price of $54 a month, I do not recommend this piece of shit gym to anyone. Good riddance.

Garden State Parkway Bullshit

So, I live in Poughkeepsie, New York and my girlfriend lives in Freehold, New Jersey. Know what that means, hmmmmm? It means that I live one hour north of NYC and she lives one hour south of NYC, which makes for a nice, piss-ass annoying, two-hour drive, every time I want to go see her. And that’s not a regular two-hour drive; that’s 2 hours straight-fuck through the heart of the NYC metro area. Know what else that means? It means driving on the Garden State Parkway(New Jersey) for a good 40 miles.

The Garden State ClusterFuckway happens to be the most heavily-traveled highway in the entire goddamn country. It’s a bunch of angry, dickhead New Yorkers/New Jersians in bumper-to-bumper traffic, going 80+MPH(in a 55 mind you), over a crumbling piece of worthless shit infrastructure lined with animal carcasses and discarded, blown-out tires.

Where the fuck is all the motherfucking toll money going!? I mean, what the poop? Every 11 inches there’s a toll booth which costs anywhere from 35 cents to 70 cents(usually 70 cents). You have the most heavily traveled highway in the country with tolls every 11 inches, yet they can’t gather the proper funds to pave the piece of shit or pick up the distracting roadkill lounging guts-out, every 6 feet? You could feed South Africa with all the hair-covered corpses lining that mind-boggling, bag of shit, stretch of highway.

Now, let me put this in simple perspective for you:

-Take one part crumbling asphalt

+one part toll booths every 11 seconds

+one part Angry, dickhead New Yorkers/New Jersians going 80 MPH in bumper-to bumper traffic on Americas busiest highway

+distracting roadkill and blown out tires

Can you even fathom what kind of a disastrous cluster-fucking-fuck that equals? If I ever hear a Californian complain about the 10-lane, laid-back, superhighways of the west, I will backhand them so hard that their dead grandfather’s mother’s sister will spin like a dradle, dradle in her grave.

You need the nerves of a Green Beret and the reflexes of a fighter pilot to navigate that piece of shit Parkway.

Hey, New Jersey State Legislature! Stop robbing New Yorkers and New Jersians of their fucking money if you’re not going to maintain your most crucial artery, you galloping butt cakes. What the hell is wrong with you? You’re lucky people aren’t getting into multiple fatal accidents on that fucking shit trail daily. Are you friggin serious, guy? Jesus Christ.

Can someone please invent some kind of transporter device that will beam my body in particles from Poughkeepsie to Freehold, so that I never have to travel on that hideously bad Parkway again? Seriously, I’m begging you!

Driver jackass and passanger jackass fist throwing at a four-way intersection, while in vehicle

No, I’m not kidding. I wish I could say I was kidding. I’m sitting at a four-way fucking intersection on a relatively peaceful Sunday Night(in my world at least), trying to make a left-hand turn, when all of the sudden I see a white Volkswagen lurching the fuck forward through the goddamn son of bitchin’ intersection. I start trying to inch forward myself, because all I want to do is make a measly left, and the VW lurches the fuck forward AGAIN.

I see the car rocking back and forth(now in the middle of the intersection) and what looks like articles of clothing flying about. Being the curious piece of shit that I am, I pull a couple of feet closer to the car to see why in yellow shit they’re lurching through the intersection, rocking the car back and forth and throwing articles of clothing around.

What I see next just baffles the stomach bile out of me: There’s two dark-skinned, baggy clothes and sideways hat-wearing fellows sitting there…..fighting. Yup. Throwing fists at each other’s heads in the middle of the intersection.

Of course, these two wastes of bone and flesh fighting in their German Oooken Dooken Wagen Flagen Hagen vehicle causes the biggest intersection cluster-fucking-fuck the world has ever seen, and has turned this four-way paved path into something that resembles Paul Bunyan taking a shit in a rat maze…but I somehow weaved my way through it all.

I have a word of advice for these two moronic manifestations of fragmented cow shit. Light yourselves on fire and then spit gasoline at each other’s face and throat. Please, it would be very theatrical. Especially you, passenger, for punching the piece of petrified Llama vomit that was driving the vehicle. Next time, wait until you get out of the car to fight, so you don’t cluster fuck intersections and disrupt my peaceful Sunday night.

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