Hello ladies and gentlemen, it’s me again.
Listen, I’m a gym goer. I used to attend Planet Fitness, until I out-grew their paper weights and got tired of not being able to wear bandannas to their diarrhea-soft, non-cussing, non-grunting, over-crowded, understaffed, tiny, butt stench establishment. I literally went to the one Planet Assness that was all over the news–you know, where that stocky Italian dude, here in New York, was escorted out by the cops for grunting. Yes, they kicked him out, because he grunted. Waaaah, waaaah, waaaaah, don’t grunt. It scares the bony little dickheads, and the fat, miserable, self-conscious whiners away. Jesus Christ, how soft is modern day America going to get? Will people please get some guts?
Anyway, I told you that to tell you this: I got rid of my Planet Softness membership and switched to the over-priced Golds Gym. There is more equipment, you can wear whatever the piss you want, you can curse, and you can (GASP!) grunt if you’re trying to throw some heavy “iron” up. But this leads to a new breed of pieces of shit: Mutants
Yes, Golds Gym breeds performance-enhancing, needle in the butt, drug-abusing mutants. And these aren’t friendly mutants who mind their own business. These are lopsided, jackass, moron, idiot, fool mutants who feel the need to purposely work out directly across from, or next to, the skinniest guy in the free weights/pully area. They don’t only work out as close as possible to these poor, self-conscious, skinny bastards, but they also feel the need to hiss and scream.
I don’t mind a little grunting, or a heavy breath when you’re trying to get weights up, but screeching and hissing? That is NOT! FUCKING! GRUNTING! They scream loud enough to shake the walls, for Elvis’ sake. They hiss like 1,000 vipers getting their collective snake penis ripped out with a scalding hot pair of tweezers.
The idiot-ass mutant grunts go something like this: RAAAH! PAAAAH! BOOOOOUSCHE! BLAAAAAGH! RAAAAAAAAH! OOOOOOOOOF! BOOOOOOOf BAAAAACH!
While the shit-throwing hisses go something like this: WSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPSSSSSSSSSSWSHHHHHHHHH! WSSSSSSHHHWSSSSSSSSSST!
Do these steroid-abusing, HGH-loving mutants not realize how pitifully stupid they look and sound? Jesus, what a bunch of puddles of turkey piss.
And a word of warning to those who might consider signing up for Golds Gym: The Mutants gather on Sunday mornings.
Between the Mutants, cocky, annoying personal trainers, always-missing attachments for the pulley machines and the price of $54 a month, I do not recommend this piece of shit gym to anyone. Good riddance.
