Okay, so a yearly Camping trip to Lake George, New York has become a god damn tradition for my two younger brother’s and my father. My grandparent’s have a camper up there(but they’re usually there so we use tents), my Aunt and Uncle have a camper up there(I barely know them at all) and my other Aunt, Uncle and cousins live up there. It’s cool, it’s fun, it’s simple it’s relaxing. But sometimes, in the middle of the Adirondacks, you have those nights. Campgrounds or not, this place is in the middle of fuck no goddamn where.
First night I was there, I went into the Village of Lake George and got shit-faced with my cousin and his friends. It was a relatively boring night of me getting way too drunk and acting like a complete and total jackass, prick, moron, idiot, loser. You know, the types of nights which lead to you waking up the following morning wondering what in feces happened? They’re a rarity for me at this point, but I guess that night I was just a goofy moron making a fool of myself and not hurting anyone else at all. Good shit.
The night following the shit-faced-in-Lake-George-Village night, I was back at the Campgrounds. I was back to the wilderness, back to the very dark nights, back to the tent. I was sharing this tent(sleeps 7) with my father and younger(middle) brother. And let me fuckin tell you jackasses, things got very annoying and very interesting.
1.) I had just fallen to sleep. I sleep on my stomach with my ear to the mattress. So there, I was sleeping on my stomach with my ear to the tent floor, which is right on the ground. I had just fallen asleep when my youngest brother and his friend strolled back from wherever the hell they were walking after the Campground’s curfew of 11ish. They bumped flat-fuck into the tent and woke me the cock up. I was pissed off.
2.) I fell back asleep(maybe for 5 minutes) when these two jackasses decide to play some weird goddamn card game in the tent. One of the rules is that whenever you win(I don’t know how the fuck you win), you have to slap the card. Well, those cards were on their tent floor, which is basically the ground. I was sleeping again, in my tent, 5 feet away, on my stomach, with my ear on the tent floor(also the ground). So these two goddamn jackasses and their slapping fuck card game woke me right back up. I was even more pissed off.
3.) The previous night(shit-faced-in-Lake-George-village-night), my father had left bread in the fucking tent. While they were sleeping, some kind of stinking-ass animal had chewed a hole through the goddamn tent and dragged the son of bitch bread through the hole like the little asshole it was. Well, the second night, which is the one I’m discussing right now, there was still the hole in the tent and still crumbs left in and around the hole from the previous piece of shit night.
After falling back asleep when my brother and his friend finished their jackass card slapping game, something else wakes me right the fuck back up. I hear something consistently brushing around the tent walls. I grab the flashlight, shine it towards the crumby hole and see a piece of shit, jackass Racoon sticking his head through the flap eating the crumbs. I kick towards him, yell, and fall back asleep. It must’ve been out of exhaustion at this point.
4.) I wake up again! I hear something outside. It sounds like something being dragged through leaves. I get pissed off, grab the flashlight, stumble out of the tent and see the goddamn jackass Racoon dragging a white plastic bag filled with something around the campsite. I chase the son of bitch around for about 5 minutes before it finally gave up on the bag. In the fucking bag, MORE BREAD. My father forgot to put the fucking bread in a tupperware container or in my Grandparent’s bread-safe camper! Christ. I climb back into the piece a’ shit tent, get in my sleeping bag and fall back asleep. At this point, I’m dumbfounded. It’s just past 3am.
5.) 4:33AM: some idiot decides to rip dick through the entire campgrounds on his dirt bike, just to be an annoying piece of cow piss. It was loud, it woke me and just about everyone else in the campgrounds up. If I would’ve been able to get my hands on that piece of sewage, I swear to fuck, I would have killed him. Instead, I turned the flashlight on, picked my book up for a few minutes and read until I fell backasleep.
6.) 5:50 AM: A very sickening noise rips through the crisp, early-morning air of the Adirondacks. It sounds like a cancerous frog trying to scare off an elephant from pure noise alone. It was a crow. I know crows have a crazy-sounding caw! caw! caw! but I have never heard anything like this in my 24 years of worthless existence. It sounded like it was perched right atop out tent . It wasn’t a caw! caw! caw! this crow was making…..it was a: RAAACH! RAAAACH! RAAAACH! RACH! RACH! RACH! RACH!
It wakes me up, and wakes me up for good…
I guess it had woken my father up too, because as soon as he heard me rustling around, he rolled over, looked me in the eye and spoke in a voice which sounded like he had just gargled razor blades marinated in gasoline: “That Crow needs to be shot”. That was the icing on the cake of my twilight zone night. I wasn’t annoyed about the crow anymore. I was wondering how in Elvis’ name my father had turned into a bloodshot-eyed corpse with a razor blade voice over night.
I woke up, got out of the tent, sat at my grandparent’s camper and waited until my grandmother woke up to make coffee. There was no way in hell I was getting back in the tent with the corpse version of my father, bleeding from his eye balls, and sounding like he had just gargled thumbtacks, while inhaling cigars and drinking whiskey.
I don’t wish that night upon anyone. Not even Dr. Phil.
